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Enter DOGBERRY and his compartner
[VERGES] with the WATCH.
DOGBERRY
1 Are you good men and true?
VERGES
2 Yea, or else it were pity but they should
3 suffer salvation, body and soul.
DOGBERRY
4 Nay, that were a punishment too good for them,
5 if they should have any allegiance in them, being
6 chosen for the prince's watch.
VERGES
7 Well, give them their charge, neighbor
8 Dogberry.
DOGBERRY
9 First, who think you the most desartless
10 man to be constable?
First Watchman
11 Hugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole; for they
12 can write and read.
DOGBERRY
13 Come hither, neighbour Seacole. God hath blessed
14 you with a good name: to be a well-favored man is
15 the gift of fortune; but to write and read comes
16 by nature.
Second Watchman
17 Both which, master constable,—
DOGBERRY
18 You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well,
19 for your favor, sir, why, give God thanks, and make
20 no boast of it; and for your writing and reading,
21 let that appear when there is no need of such
22 vanity. You are thought here to be the most
23 senseless and fit man for the constable of the
24 watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your
25 charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are
26 to bid any man stand, in the prince's name.
Second Watchman
27 How if a' will not stand?
DOGBERRY
28 Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and
29 presently call the rest of the watch together and
30 thank God you are rid of a knave.
VERGES
31 If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none
32 of the prince's subjects.
DOGBERRY
33 True, and they are to meddle with none but the
34 prince's subjects. You shall also make no noise in
35 the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to
36 talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.
Watchman
37 We will rather sleep than talk: we know what
38 belongs to a watch.
DOGBERRY
39 Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet
40 watchman; for I cannot see how sleeping should
41 offend: only, have a care that your bills be not
42 stolen. Well, you are to call at all the ale-houses,
43 and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.
Watchman
44 How if they will not?
DOGBERRY
45 Why, then, let them alone till they are sober:
46 if they make you not then the better answer,
47 you may say they are not the men you took
48 them for.
DOGBERRY
50 If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by
51 virtue of your office, to be no true man; and,
52 for such kind of men, the less you meddle or
53 make with them, why the more is for your honesty.
Watchman
54 If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay
55 hands on him?
DOGBERRY
56 Truly, by your office, you may; but I think
57 they that touch pitch will be defiled: the most
58 peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief,
59 is to let him show himself what he is and steal
60 out of your company.
VERGES
61 You have been always called a merciful
62 man, partner.
DOGBERRY
63 Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much
64 more a man who hath any honesty in him.
VERGES
65 If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call
66 to the nurse and bid her still it.
Watchman
67 How if the nurse be asleep and will
68 not hear us?
DOGBERRY
69 Why, then, depart in peace, and let the child wake
70 her with crying; for the ewe that will not hear her
71 lamb when it baes will never answer a calf
72 when he bleats.
DOGBERRY
74 This is the end of the charge:—you, constable, are
75 to present the prince's own person: if you meet the
76 prince in the night, you may stay him.
VERGES
77 Nay, by'r our lady, that I think a' cannot.
DOGBERRY
78 Five shillings to one on't, with any man that knows
79 statues, he may stay him: marry, not without the
80 prince be willing; for, indeed, the watch ought to
81 offend no man; and it is an offence to stay a man
82 against his will.
VERGES
83 By'r lady, I think it be so.
DOGBERRY
84 Ha, ha, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be
85 any matter of weight chances, call up me: keep your
86 fellows' counsels and your own; and good night.
87 Come, neighbour.
Watchman
88 Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us
89 go sit here upon the church-bench till two,
90 and then all to bed.
DOGBERRY
91 One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watch
92 about Signior Leonato's door; for the wedding being
93 there tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight.
94 Adieu: be vigitant, I beseech you.
Watchman [To the other watchmen.]
96 Peace! stir not.
CONRADE
98 Here, man; I am at thy elbow.
BORACHIO
99 Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a
100 scab follow.
CONRADE
101 I will owe thee an answer for that: and now forward
102 with thy tale.
BORACHIO
103 Stand thee close, then, under this penthouse, for
104 it drizzles rain; and I will, like a true drunkard,
105 utter all to thee.
Watchman [To the other watchmen.]
106 Some treason, masters: yet
107 stand close.
BORACHIO
108 Therefore know I have earned of Don John
109 a thousand ducats.
CONRADE
110 Is it possible that any villany should be
111 so dear?
BORACHIO
112 Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any
113 villainy should be so rich; for when rich villains
114 have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what
115 price they will.
BORACHIO
117 That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest
118 that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak,
119 is nothing to a man.
CONRADE
120 Yes, it is apparel.
BORACHIO
121 I mean, the fashion.
CONRADE
122 Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
BORACHIO
123 Tush! I may as well say the fool's the fool. But
124 seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?
Watchman [To the other watchmen.]
125 I know that Deformed; a' has been a vile thief
126 this seven year; a' goes up and down like a
127 gentleman: I remember his name.
BORACHIO
128 Didst thou not hear somebody?
CONRADE
129 No; 'twas the vane on the house.
BORACHIO
130 Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this
131 fashion is? how giddily a' turns about all the hot
132 bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty?
133 sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh's
134 soldiers in the reechy painting, sometime like
135 god Bel's priests in the old church-window,
136 sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched
137 worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as
138 massy as his club?
CONRADE
139 All this I see; and I see that the fashion wears
140 out more apparel than the man. But art not thou
141 thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast
142 shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the
143 fashion?
BORACHIO
144 Not so, neither: but know that I have tonight
145 wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero's gentlewoman,
146 by the name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress'
147 chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good
148 night,—I tell this tale vilely:—I should first
149 tell thee how the prince, Claudio and my master,
150 planted and placed and possessed by my master Don
151 John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable
152 encounter.
CONRADE
153 And thought they Margaret was Hero?
BORACHIO
154 Two of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the
155 devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly
156 by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by
157 the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly
158 by my villany, which did confirm any slander that
159 Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged;
160 swore he would meet her, as he was appointed, next
161 morning at the temple, and there, before the whole
162 congregation, shame her with what he saw o'er night
163 and send her home again without a husband.
First Watchman
164 We charge you, in the prince's name,
165 stand!
Second Watchman
166 Call up the right master constable. We have here
167 recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that
168 ever was known in the commonwealth.
First Watchman
169 And one Deformed is one of them: I know him; a'
170 wears a lock.
CONRADE
171 Masters, masters,—
Second Watchman
172 You'll be made bring Deformed forth,
173 I warrant you.
First Watchman
175 Never speak: we charge you let us
176 obey you to go with us.
BORACHIO
177 We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being
178 taken up of these men's bills.
CONRADE
179 A commodity in question, I warrant you.
180 Come, we'll obey you.
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